I miss me.

I've been so caught up in all the changes over the past year and a half of my life, that I've had no time to react. I've essentually changed every aspect of my life. New boyfriend, no best friend, no high school, failing college, moving out, living with strangers, pet owner, smoker, and etc.

I just don't know where the old me is under all of this new. I feel like I've been used in my own attempt to better myself.

I know I've never been as poetic as Isabel, nore have I ever been as funny, quick, or smart as I've desired. I am just Eryn. Simple and complex all at the same time. I have no where to record how I feel, so I figured the old way, was indeed, the best way. The Only way.

These last five years have been filled with lots of change. Love grows to hate, sadness changes to joy, and fear becomes strength. Change is the constant. How fucked is that?

Fear and Loathing in Louisville

If only I could explain how I feel. I think Garrett and I almost broke up last night. Let me refrase that. I almost broke up with him. It's because I don't know who I am and I'm expected to dedicate my entire self to him. I do love him. I love him with all of me. I just don't know how fare it is for me...

A Simple Retraction

This post is the last I will be making from here....at least for now.

It's been far to long since I've updated. My mother will be reading this, looking for an answer. This is for her. She wants it, she'll have it.

I think that Zarayah was the best friend I had when I was 13, but I've grown. She showed me what I didn't want to be (not to say her life is a bad one) and although the life she has chosen for her is working, it's not what I want. I trust far to easily and I forgive way to quickly, but it's the life I wanted. I'm still learning, but I know that she taught me some.

My mom taught me as well. Although I love her beyond all words can say, I still find it difficult to talk to her. I feel like I started this blog, in some sort of effort to cry for her help. She didn't find it until several years after I wrote the pleas for help and because I've deleted all of my enterys, she'll never read them. I'm glad that she'll never see those. They were some of my worst days and while I was going though them, I was very angry.

I constantly blamed her and her lifestyle for alot of things, and I took out my anger and frustration on her and Zarayah. I was my way of telling her that I was unhappy with the choices she was making. She's never really heard me when I confronted her and I don't think she ever will. The angry posts were to show her that I was mad. That's all.

I am no longer suicidle. I no longer want or need her to read those things. She never has...she never will. This is the only post she will read, and I hope that she realizes, that this Blog was once a connection between friends. The things that people wrote to me, probably saved my life once or twice.

I don't fear writting this on the internet, because if people were reading this blog before I deleted past posts, know all of my opinions. They know I will never drink, because I have seen the way it affects people. They know I have gotten over my depression and that I plan to never return there. They know, that even though I'm scared shitless, I can't wait for my life to begin. And they know that when I was a freshman at Atherton High School, I had a group of friends that constantly read my blog, and told me they loved me every day.

So do I regret writting those things? No. I believe that if you have the balls to write it, you better have the balls to stand up for it. I will retract what I said, but I will never regret it. I will never change the way I was feeling and I will never change the way I've writttin this.

I hope you all have a good day. I'm going to go to bed and dream about my future blogs. Hopfully I'll touch someone's life, like they touched mine.

-Eryn